My parents raised me with manners, with really good manners so I never forget to say please or thank you and how are you and I always tip twenty percent or sometimes more
But I can never remember to use a napkin so I wipe my hands on my jeans or on my socks and that way my clothes are always dirtier than everyone else’s
I am nice to everyone I talk to, no matter what, but I am cruel to people I talk about, which is technically still good manners because they’ll never hear it from me
Even if you are well mannered, and your parents are rich, and you’re a pretty decent dancer, you might still watch good things slipping through your fingers like a whole lot of water
I’m not a very hard worker, except on things I care about and I haven’t cared about anything in a while so. I’m not a very hard worker
I’m sort of clever, but I’m polite, remember, and if you’re only sort of clever then you have to at least be mysterious for it to get you places
I am a mystery to no one but myself
Dream life exercise: married, separate bedrooms but only for when we’re fighting, though it is possible we fight a lot. Set of twins, NO breastfeeding, just don’t wanna. It’s not weird, obviously it is not weird, but to me, sorry for me, it is. House in the woods and house on the beach and house in the city. My car from high school, not just the same make and model, but the exact same car. 38 years old. Bigger lips that just got that way overnight and no one knows how, flattest stomach ever seen on a woman, medically. All of the friends I have right now plus the ones I used to have and new ones if they’re a perfect fit. Ugly little dog and big beautiful dog and for my cat to live forever. Die holding hands with someone so I’m not scared.
Is that so much to ask as a well mannered six foot bottle brunette with poor work ethic a mean streak and a little bit of wit?
It’s not called life exercise, it’s called dream life exercise.
Hannah Wakefield is unemployed in New York City. She spends every day alone and every night at a party. She earned her degree in Philosophy and Critical Theory from Occidental College and one day she will be incredibly famous.